To Be Honest

It’s been awhile, but I haven’t forgotten about y’all I’ve just been struggling a lot. My eating was through the roof last week when I got my period and I have been so ashamed to even talk about it to anyone except my Ana buddy. But I still want to include you guys in my Ana journey! Even at this moment I’m contemplating leaving my house to go and get fast food! I feel like a disgusting failure. I can’t even fathom why I have these cravings fro such disgusting foods: grease, oil, fat, sugar, just everything that will make me blow up like a balloon! I hate that I want it, I hate that I will give into my urges at the drop of a hat. But worse, I hate that I will spend money to give in to those urges and rationalize it like it will help me lose weight.

Anyway I’ve been off course and trying really hard to get back there. But, I’m not as dedicated as I use to be. And I don’t really know how to. When I was deep in it before I had all day to plan. But now that I’m working I don’t really know what to do. It’s hard to plan meals when you work odd ours with odd meal times. I am trying tho I can’t lie about that. Just not as dedicated as I use to be to be honest. I miss it. I know it’s just my disordered thinking but until Ana turns against me were gonna be friends. That sounds really bad…

But I’m not in a good place, I have a past sexual assault that I’m just now trying to deal with, my eating disorder I’m not ready to give up, and I hate where I live, and on top of that I miss my parents! I’m 21 I live by myself and I feel like I have no idea where my life is going! I know what I want and I have no idea how to get there. But, I guess that’s most people in their 20’s.

Skinny girls don’t binge.

Skinny girls don’t eat.

Temptation

Thanks to my period the cravings have been real. And temptation is everywhere literally. When you work at a store that sells food, its easy to give in, and boy have I been giving in. I cant even find the courage to get on the scale. I’ve gotten so bad l’m having a really hard time getting it together. Now I just keep eating I feel so gross and sick and completely out of control. My disorder is ruling my disorder is ruling my life!! I just want the part of ,y disorder where I can control all the shit I put on my body, which ideally would be nothing, but surviving. I have so many goals but no motivation to get there and its not just motivation for my ED but all aspects of my life  more later.

Skinny girls don’t binge.

Skinny girls don’t eat.

Ok so…

I’ve been distant since my birthday. I ate so much when I was with my parents between Friday and Saturday. I hated it. I felt disgusting and gained 6 fvcking pounds!! Since then Ilve lost 3 I think. I’m trying to get back to my ensure diet but resisting food has seemed harder. I know my last post was an angry one, and I think when I am angry I want to binge. But I’m not angry anymore, but after eating like a pig for a few days and coming off eating with my parents I really need to just get back into the swing of things.

I’ve been drinking my ensures for breakfast and dinner. But eating seems easier. I hate that. It confuses me but today was a good day. Except for the candy. 2 ghirdelli caramel squares, and like 4 sour patch sour straws. Just writing about it makes me want to go out and buy a bag. But not buying food helps. Cause I don’t have anything to binge on when the cravings hit. And the compulsion to eat everything in sight. Even though I have roommates and they always have food I can manage not to eat there food cause I can at least rationalize with the binge monster in my head that it’s not my food and I can’t eat it.

When I weighed day before last I weighed 220.8. I have my work cut out for me but I have work at 9am tomorrow so I can weigh and then drink my ensure for breakfast and bring one to work to drink  for lunch I have a game plan and a buddy that I kick.

Skinny girls dot binge.

Skinny girls don’t eat.

I’m Just Not Sure

I need more money. I need my roommates to try and understand. I need my one roommate to not be a fucking whore. I miss honest people.

My roommate steals lies and talks about me behind my back. She’s a slob she doesn’t take care of her cats. And I cannot even stand to look at her dirty, trashy, filth covered ass. I was on the phone openly talking to my dad about how things suck here. The house is dirty and disgusting, before my other roommate moved in the house smelled like cat shit and piss everywhere. Someone has been eating my fruit out of my fruit bowl. An entire liter of juice went missing today! And to top it all off someone opened my fucking mail. My aunt sent me a birthday card but when My roommate found it it was just laying on the table not in any envelope and luckily with a $50 check still in it. But there is no fucking way in hell that that just came in the mail like that and Why the fuck was my mail moved in the fucking first place!!

I AM FUCKING THROUGH RIGHT NOW!!

I don’t have any friends to talk about this stuff to so sorry you get the unedited R rated version of my wrath.

Skinng bitches don’t binge

Skinny bitches don’t eat

IDEK

I weighted yesterday morning I ate a full dinner Tuesday, Fasted on Wednesday (215.8 lbs). Ate a full meal last night and I haven’t weighed this morning cause I’m pretty sure I’ve gained 100 lbs. But this is a jut a quick update eating lunch today and drinking all night (cause it’s my birthday party tonight!! 21 Finally!!). But this is just a quick update before I pick my mom up from the airport! I’ll return again on Monday…

Skinny girls don’t binge

Skinny girls don’t eat.

A Better Day!!

I bought a scale yesterday finally!! I am so excited about it it’s almost embarrassing!! But I was so tempted to weigh last night but the best time to weigh is always in the morning before you eat anything!! That when you weigh the least (your true weight). I said earlier it was around 220lbs (I’m 5’11 so I’m heavier then most Anas), but I weighed 217.5 today!! 217 bitches!!! I’m so freakin’ excited!!

My diet has basically been ensures and for some reason splurging on food in the break room and last night the food my roommate made. But still popping diet pills like they’re candy is helping! You know you’re losing weight when you don’t eat but your still pooping!!

Skinny girls don’t binge

Skinny girls don’t eat

A Post Full of Triggers

I promised you all in my last post that I am always honest with you. And I honestly mean it. So this post will be so honest it will be painful for me.

Yesterday I had a memory I was finally ready to confront. (TW) I remember being at a party wasted off my a$$, and I went with a friend. A guy (a friend I knew), I remember him asking me something and I agreed to go with him. Before we could walk but, 3 feet he touched me, I didn’t like it. I immediately pushed him away, he knew he did something wrong and walked away trying to hide. As fvcked up as I was I remember clearly. I’ve never been black out drunk, never in my life. My best friend at the time was there.  I told a group of girls that were there, but I didn’t know them and they didn’t do anything about it. I remember that night the entire walk home I cried and threatened to starve myself to death and my friend at the time just laughed at me. I remember worrying about it for days but, I was in denial I didn’t want to believe it, I remember being mad at him and I remember forgetting about it and trying to be friends with him.

But something triggered those memories again. Whatever it was has caused more pain. I couldn’t stand the thought of worrying about it for any loner and I googled definition of molestation. I learned that molestation only applies to children and that for adults its sexual assault. So, I googled sexual assault. And that fit the bill. And for some reason I thought before work was the best time to do that. On my first break after 2 hours I asked my therapist via text what qualifies. She text me back after my break and the definition again fit the situation. I was so torn up. I was holding it together until I  couldn’t. I just kept going back to that moment in my head I couldn’t focus on my job. I was distant and it was obvious. I went to the bathroom thinking I cold shake this off, but soon as the door closed the tears started falling to my own surprise. No one was in there, but it must have been obvious something was really wrong because my friend came in what didn’t seem that long after I walked in. But I was exchanging text with my therapist so it could have been awhile. I was curled in sitting on the floor of the handicap stall all the way in the back. She came in and opened the door asked me if I was okay and if I needed to go home, I answered yes to both she told the manager I clocked out and went home. Everything she did was perfect. no questions asked and did what I was to afraid to do. I needed that really bad. I went home and just watched movies. Which is really nice. But the memories still plague me and probably won’t go away for awhile.

Skinny girls don’t binge.

Skinny girls don’t eat.